I know I am running about 5 days late on my defensive all-stars...so to make up for lost time I will skip my funny/witty/clever/charming introduction and just get right to business.
Football Defensive Movie Character All-Stars:
Ends: Julius Campbell and Gerry Bertier (Remember the Titans). Julius is on the left, Gerry on the...wait if you don't know which is which you don't deserve the pleasure of reading my column now, you need to go watch the movie and work on not being a terrible person. Bertier is a natural linebacker, but was unable to crack the rock-solid linebacking core of this all-star team, so he will have to make the not-so-difficult transition to D-End. Bertier, who looks nothing like me, has an all-out motor, and stops at nothing to defeat the opponent. His intimidation effects both opposing players and coaches (as witnessed by his strange finger-point before a key play in the state semis). Gerry could have been one of the game's great players had he not mysteriously driven his car through a red light into the oncoming traffic of a semi-truck while talking to friends on the side of the road. Campbell is an easy selection as a two-time All-American End. Size and speed allow this beast of a man to overpower anyone that lines up against him.
Tackles: Jamal Jackson and Jumbo (The Replacements). I have no D-Tackles except for the bald guy from Waterboy on Sandler's rival team...and I can't come up with a name for the character. That leads up to these two big boys that will have to end up playing both ways. If high-schoolers can do it, so can they.
(After I had written this piece I discovered the big bald guy's name in the movie...Moving into the starting lineup, replacing Jamal Jackson, is Greg Meaney (The Waterboy)).
Linebackers: Bobby Boucher Jr (The Waterboy), Danny Bateman (The Replacements) and Luther 'Shark' Lavay (Any Given Sunday). This group is obviously the Heart and Soul of the team (other than Burt Reylonds). Boucher is a linebacker in the Vince Berry mold...seems oblivious at times, only to knock your head off when the play starts. Bateman and Lavay both are the token ripped crazy guys that would tackle a Panzer Tank if it was carrying a football. The guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre could be running with football in one hand, chainsaw in the other, and these two guys would go and try to make the play...and in most cases, would. Bateman's previous career as an Ultimate Fighter while playing Monica's fiance Richard on the TV show Friends, has clearly molded him into a football machine.
Defensive Backs: Much like my friend Matt K and his prediction to the NCAA Tourny this year, I didn't really think this posting through. First of all, for those of you that don't know what I am referring to, here is Matt K's NCAA Tournament Prediction posted on March 15, 2006 at 10:15pm:
"I think that after this tournament plays out one thing will be clearer than ever before...MATT K SUCKS, oh, and also that Florida, Tennessee, and the whole SEC is vastly overrated."
Well...he was right about the MATT K SUCKING part, but three weeks later Florida, one of two SEC teams in the Final Four (the other was LSU which I tried to tell everyone to pick in my first post, but I am not gonna mention it because that would be bragging), won the nation championship. Congrats to Billy Donovan and Joakim Noah and the rest of the Florida Gators (including the back-stabbing liar Al Horford who committed to Michigan and backed out of it in the last weeks of the signing period, costing the Wolverines what probably would have been a Big Ten Title this year and a high seed in the Tourny) on a job well done.
How this relates to my article you are wondering...Just like Matt K, I didn't property think this one through because I realize now that I have zero defensive backs that are All-Star worthy. Petey from Remember the Titans was benched for most of the season and is the only legitimate canidate. We will be playing without the services of defensive backs. With the high powered offence and huge linebackers...this team will be fine.
Kicker: Barney Gorman (The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon). This diamond in the rough beats out Nigel Gruff of the Replacements because of the charisma that he brings to the table. It's pretty much the same argument as the quarterback position. Do you want a drunk European that owes money to everyone kicking for you, or Tony Danza...thought so.
Continuing my trend of running way behind on topics...I will preview the 2006 Baseball season with my next post. As of right now my Surprise Player of the Year, Chris Shelton is leading the major leagues in batting average and home runs. The Detroit Tigers also post the best record in baseball...I think it's about time to wrap the season up and start the playoffs.
Football Defensive Movie Character All-Stars:
Ends: Julius Campbell and Gerry Bertier (Remember the Titans). Julius is on the left, Gerry on the...wait if you don't know which is which you don't deserve the pleasure of reading my column now, you need to go watch the movie and work on not being a terrible person. Bertier is a natural linebacker, but was unable to crack the rock-solid linebacking core of this all-star team, so he will have to make the not-so-difficult transition to D-End. Bertier, who looks nothing like me, has an all-out motor, and stops at nothing to defeat the opponent. His intimidation effects both opposing players and coaches (as witnessed by his strange finger-point before a key play in the state semis). Gerry could have been one of the game's great players had he not mysteriously driven his car through a red light into the oncoming traffic of a semi-truck while talking to friends on the side of the road. Campbell is an easy selection as a two-time All-American End. Size and speed allow this beast of a man to overpower anyone that lines up against him.
Tackles: Jamal Jackson and Jumbo (The Replacements). I have no D-Tackles except for the bald guy from Waterboy on Sandler's rival team...and I can't come up with a name for the character. That leads up to these two big boys that will have to end up playing both ways. If high-schoolers can do it, so can they.
(After I had written this piece I discovered the big bald guy's name in the movie...Moving into the starting lineup, replacing Jamal Jackson, is Greg Meaney (The Waterboy)).
Linebackers: Bobby Boucher Jr (The Waterboy), Danny Bateman (The Replacements) and Luther 'Shark' Lavay (Any Given Sunday). This group is obviously the Heart and Soul of the team (other than Burt Reylonds). Boucher is a linebacker in the Vince Berry mold...seems oblivious at times, only to knock your head off when the play starts. Bateman and Lavay both are the token ripped crazy guys that would tackle a Panzer Tank if it was carrying a football. The guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre could be running with football in one hand, chainsaw in the other, and these two guys would go and try to make the play...and in most cases, would. Bateman's previous career as an Ultimate Fighter while playing Monica's fiance Richard on the TV show Friends, has clearly molded him into a football machine.
Defensive Backs: Much like my friend Matt K and his prediction to the NCAA Tourny this year, I didn't really think this posting through. First of all, for those of you that don't know what I am referring to, here is Matt K's NCAA Tournament Prediction posted on March 15, 2006 at 10:15pm:
"I think that after this tournament plays out one thing will be clearer than ever before...MATT K SUCKS, oh, and also that Florida, Tennessee, and the whole SEC is vastly overrated."
Well...he was right about the MATT K SUCKING part, but three weeks later Florida, one of two SEC teams in the Final Four (the other was LSU which I tried to tell everyone to pick in my first post, but I am not gonna mention it because that would be bragging), won the nation championship. Congrats to Billy Donovan and Joakim Noah and the rest of the Florida Gators (including the back-stabbing liar Al Horford who committed to Michigan and backed out of it in the last weeks of the signing period, costing the Wolverines what probably would have been a Big Ten Title this year and a high seed in the Tourny) on a job well done.
How this relates to my article you are wondering...Just like Matt K, I didn't property think this one through because I realize now that I have zero defensive backs that are All-Star worthy. Petey from Remember the Titans was benched for most of the season and is the only legitimate canidate. We will be playing without the services of defensive backs. With the high powered offence and huge linebackers...this team will be fine.
Kicker: Barney Gorman (The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon). This diamond in the rough beats out Nigel Gruff of the Replacements because of the charisma that he brings to the table. It's pretty much the same argument as the quarterback position. Do you want a drunk European that owes money to everyone kicking for you, or Tony Danza...thought so.
Continuing my trend of running way behind on topics...I will preview the 2006 Baseball season with my next post. As of right now my Surprise Player of the Year, Chris Shelton is leading the major leagues in batting average and home runs. The Detroit Tigers also post the best record in baseball...I think it's about time to wrap the season up and start the playoffs.
posted by The All-Manac at 11:48 AM
1 Comments:
i figured id give u another post because anonymous wasnt so much on topic but that stuff is funny tho o and this is kyle bein anonymous is just a way of skipping the process of signin up for a blogger account
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