I know I am running about 5 days late on my defensive all-stars...so to make up for lost time I will skip my funny/witty/clever/charming introduction and just get right to business.

Football Defensive Movie Character All-Stars:

Ends: Julius Campbell and Gerry Bertier (Remember the Titans). Julius is on the left, Gerry on the...wait if you don't know which is which you don't deserve the pleasure of reading my column now, you need to go watch the movie and work on not being a terrible person. Bertier is a natural linebacker, but was unable to crack the rock-solid linebacking core of this all-star team, so he will have to make the not-so-difficult transition to D-End. Bertier, who looks nothing like me, has an all-out motor, and stops at nothing to defeat the opponent. His intimidation effects both opposing players and coaches (as witnessed by his strange finger-point before a key play in the state semis). Gerry could have been one of the game's great players had he not mysteriously driven his car through a red light into the oncoming traffic of a semi-truck while talking to friends on the side of the road. Campbell is an easy selection as a two-time All-American End. Size and speed allow this beast of a man to overpower anyone that lines up against him.

Tackles: Jamal Jackson and Jumbo (The Replacements). I have no D-Tackles except for the bald guy from Waterboy on Sandler's rival team...and I can't come up with a name for the character. That leads up to these two big boys that will have to end up playing both ways. If high-schoolers can do it, so can they.

(After I had written this piece I discovered the big bald guy's name in the movie...Moving into the starting lineup, replacing Jamal Jackson, is Greg Meaney (The Waterboy)).

Linebackers: Bobby Boucher Jr (The Waterboy), Danny Bateman (The Replacements) and Luther 'Shark' Lavay (Any Given Sunday). This group is obviously the Heart and Soul of the team (other than Burt Reylonds). Boucher is a linebacker in the Vince Berry mold...seems oblivious at times, only to knock your head off when the play starts. Bateman and Lavay both are the token ripped crazy guys that would tackle a Panzer Tank if it was carrying a football. The guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre could be running with football in one hand, chainsaw in the other, and these two guys would go and try to make the play...and in most cases, would. Bateman's previous career as an Ultimate Fighter while playing Monica's fiance Richard on the TV show Friends, has clearly molded him into a football machine.

Defensive Backs: Much like my friend Matt K and his prediction to the NCAA Tourny this year, I didn't really think this posting through. First of all, for those of you that don't know what I am referring to, here is Matt K's NCAA Tournament Prediction posted on March 15, 2006 at 10:15pm:

"I think that after this tournament plays out one thing will be clearer than ever before...MATT K SUCKS, oh, and also that Florida, Tennessee, and the whole SEC is vastly overrated."

Well...he was right about the MATT K SUCKING part, but three weeks later Florida, one of two SEC teams in the Final Four (the other was LSU which I tried to tell everyone to pick in my first post, but I am not gonna mention it because that would be bragging), won the nation championship. Congrats to Billy Donovan and Joakim Noah and the rest of the Florida Gators (including the back-stabbing liar Al Horford who committed to Michigan and backed out of it in the last weeks of the signing period, costing the Wolverines what probably would have been a Big Ten Title this year and a high seed in the Tourny) on a job well done.

How this relates to my article you are wondering...Just like Matt K, I didn't property think this one through because I realize now that I have zero defensive backs that are All-Star worthy. Petey from Remember the Titans was benched for most of the season and is the only legitimate canidate. We will be playing without the services of defensive backs. With the high powered offence and huge linebackers...this team will be fine.

Kicker: Barney Gorman (The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon). This diamond in the rough beats out Nigel Gruff of the Replacements because of the charisma that he brings to the table. It's pretty much the same argument as the quarterback position. Do you want a drunk European that owes money to everyone kicking for you, or Tony Danza...thought so.

Continuing my trend of running way behind on topics...I will preview the 2006 Baseball season with my next post. As of right now my Surprise Player of the Year, Chris Shelton is leading the major leagues in batting average and home runs. The Detroit Tigers also post the best record in baseball...I think it's about time to wrap the season up and start the playoffs.

I apologize for my brief absence from the internet scene, for many of you a week without reading my material was probably a crushing blow to your pysche, but hopefully you have recovered. I realize someone of my social stature has a huge impact on many people and in the future I will try not to let petty tasks that keep me busy cause such social trauma. And for the 98.7% of people that didn't notice, more power to ya, you are stronger than the average man...and probably smarter than the average bear.

My friends and I find ourselves in quite a financial quandrum with regards to rent. Under normal circumstances this could lead to Barney ("Barney Rubble! ... TROUBLE!" - Basher, Ocean's Eleven) but luckily for my friends I am on their side in this debacle. You see, much like Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy, I don't write rhymes...I write checks. This near disaster will be avoided, you can bet on it.

Anyways, my last entry of basketball movie all-stars received more praise than Allah does in the Middle East, so I think I will look to continue with the theme. Here are your Offensive All-Stars from Football Movies...

(As was the same with basketball, real players playing themselves in movies are not included. This means no Gayle Sayers from Brian's Song)

Quarterback: Paul Crewe (The Longest Yard) (1974). One of the hardest positions to pick, Crewe rises to the top thanks to his leadership intangibles. Anyone can assemble a football team of prison inmates, only a Burt Reynolds character can get them to gel, believe in each other and play to their maximum potential. Most movie QB's have talent, but Crewe gets the starting nod thanks to Willie Beamen's (Any Given Sunday) ego, Shane 'Footsteps' Falco's (The Replacements) indifference and Ronnie Bass' (Remember the Titans) and Joe Kane's (The Program) inexperience.

(Just think about it, who would you want to lead your team, a spoiled ego-maniac, music video making guy...an actor that looks confused and out of place in every single movie he has ever been in, but still seems to get roles, GOOD roles too...a long haired high school pretty boy from California whose sexuality is TOTALLY up in the air...an alcoholic college kid that can play, but can also commit suicide at ANY moment and not shock anyone...or Burt Reynolds. I thought so)

Running Back: Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday). After considering several others, I realized that Washington's strength just can't be over-looked. He is massive, and can move. Think Jerome Bettis in his prime, before we weighed more than Orca and wasn't fat. I mean, how would you like to tackle this guy running at you full speed. Continuing the prison theme, Earl Wilkinson/Ray Smith (The Replacements) would come off the bench. I considered Becky O'Shea aka The Icebox (Little Giants) for the team, but apparently she grew up and is attractive, and would cause nothing but chaos in the locker-room.

Wide Receivers: Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire) + Air Bud (Air Bud Golden Receiver). Tidwell can be a distraction at times, but he was actually fairly productive on the field. I mean if someone as insane as Tom Cruise was able to get him a contract, he had to be a decent player. Air Bud is an obvious choice. An Antonio Gates type player, Air Bud was able to excel in both basketball and football, making him the only player to be named to both all-star teams. A run-after-the-catch specialist, Air Bud is the perfect teammate, his teams win and always and I mean ALWAYS look like they are having fun.

Tight End: Brian Murphy (The Replacements). Behind Orlando Jones in the picture, Murphy is the textbook example of overcoming adversity. Brian is deaf, playing football without being able to hear would be hard. Forget that, LIVING without being able to hear would be hard. A great work ethic, soft hands and wanting the ball when it counts most are what makes this guy the obvious choice.

Offensive Line: Jamal Jackson, Andre Jackson, and Jumbo (The Replacements) join Lewie Lastik (Remember the Titans) and Patrick "Madman" Kelly (Any Given Sunday) to form one of the largest offensive lines in the history of football. I thought the lines would be hard to fill in, but these guys all have size...and yea, size. Positions along the line are pretty irrelevant since they are all the same size, huge. To put it in perspective, they are big enough to make Anthony Anderson look small, really small...don't believe me, look at this. Tell me the guy on the right is not a guy you want protecting you.

Coming tomorrow...the Defensive All-Stars